Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The first child

I want to spend time in this blog talking about each of my kids. When Cory and I were first married, we were advised to wait a year before we had kids. I remember thinking that was a long time to wait. I was working on writing a book, so I didn't have a job at the time. I kept thinking how fun it would be to have a baby to take care of and keep me company and I finally asked Cory what he thought. He thought about it, as he always does when I ask him a question, then he said slowly, "I don't think we need to wait that long."
  "Good," I answered, "because I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant."
   We went to the Dr to get it confirmed and for insurance reasons. When he told us I was indeed pregnant, I remember that moment of pure excitement when Cory and I were just looking at each other and grinning and not sure what to say. I think it was on the way home that it sunk in how much our lives would be changed forever. In the next weeks we thought about how much we needed to do to get ready, and I could hardly refrain from buying things from the baby section. I just barely held back because I knew it was early. We thought we should keep it a secret for a while, but once again, we were so excited we just had to tell our parents, and word spread from there. It was such a new thing for me and I was trying to figure out how to cope with being so tired all the time and the morning sickness and all that. I had to force myself to do everything. Even grocery shopping seemed an almost insurmountable task. I remember one day in particular it wasn't quite as bad and I actually had the energy to go shopping with my sisters.
   Shortly after that, I went to my first Dr visit to hear the baby's heart beat. It was the 3 month marker, and I was glad I had been feeling a lot better in the last few days. The nurse gave me a bag full of things for the baby and coupons and magazines. "Courtesy of the hospital", she said with a smile. Then the Dr came in and was all smiley and bubbly.... actually it was a bit much, but I endured it. Finally we got to the exciting part. The heartbeat. All of a sudden the Dr stopped her ceaseless babble and it was dead quiet. I realised I was holding my breath. Finally after what seemed like forever she frowned and said, "some thing's wrong."
  My heart sank so fast I thought I was going to throw up, and I froze unable to think or process what she was saying.
   "Yes, some thing's definitely wrong", she went on, "there isn't any heartbeat."
   I knew what that meant, but I still couldn't speak or move. I was just trying to breathe. She looked me right in the eye and said, "your baby's dead."
   It seemed unbelievably cruel to me that she would say what I knew already but was crying in my mind, ' no, please, no."
   She then asked me if I was OK, and I wanted to slug her. I think i must have nodded my head, but everything from there gets a little fuzzy except this numb feeling.  I remember something about the nurse wanting the bag back, "under the circumstances", and the doctor giving me a slip of paper to give to someone about something. Then she was explaining something about how the baby needed to come out and she was recommending I get what they call an abortion and get it taken out right away.
   All I wanted was to get out of there and I wanted Cory. I just got up and stalked out, right in the middle of her sentence. I think she called after me to see if I was OK, but I'm not sure.
   I somehow got down the elevator with a vague idea of getting to the parking lot, and the next thing I remember is someone grabbing me as I was falling. I saw a very concerned nurse asking what was wrong and what he could help with.. I remembered I was holding a slip of paper and showed it to him. ( anything but telling him what was wrong.) "where should I bring this?" I asked.
   He brought me to some counter where I dropped it off and the next thing I remember is sitting in my car as the initial shock wore off. Then the tears came and I was driving home watching the windshield wipers futilely pushing off the the rain from the windshield and my tears were rolling off my cheeks just about as hard. I got home and the first thing I did was call Cory. I don't remember what I said, but he came right home and as soon as he came to me and put his arms around me, I felt like I could breathe again. It was so good to just have him hold me. He didn't say any stupid things to try and make it better, he just kept his strong comforting arms around me. I could see the pain and worry for me in his eyes and I didn't need any words from him.
   A month later I had the miscarriage. I'd had time to come to terms with it more, and accept that that little life was with the Lord. But I'll admit, I was hoping for a miracle until it actually happened.  Cory buried it under the cherry tree in our woods. We stood there feeling raw and praying, committing the child to the Lord. I felt a quiet in the woods and a peace for the first time.
   We went on a drive after that and took a walk across Cobbin Bridge. It was a beautiful fall evening and the colors of fall reflected from the trees into the river as the sun set and the moon came up and shown in a milky path across the water. I looked up at the stars and felt even more peace that our tiny baby was in a better place and would never have to endure the pain and suffering of this world.
 "we'll see him again," I told Cory.
"Yes", said Cory quietly. A few minutes later as we were walking back across the bridge, hand in hand, he said, "You're doing better aren't you?"
   "Yeah", I said. And for the first time I smiled.
   Three months later, I became pregnant again with Kendra. That will be another story.